Today I wanted to type about emptiness. Before my diagnosis emptiness was something I never thought of. I suppose I didn't have much of it. During my darkest days it's all I saw and as I continue my daily life it seems the one thing I am always looking for. Picture a beautiful pond with a lone duck; floating or gliding if you will. This looks beautiful on the surface like a still sheet with an occasional ripple. But underneath the surface that little mamma is paddling for all she's worth. Throw into the mix a heavy dose of HSP (highly sensitive person) and irrational fear and that's a lot what it was looking like for me. Anxiety is crippling, rational or not. Soon your paddling with or without water.
I am not going to advise you about emptiness in your life. That's not what I am about. But I will share with you about me. Cause I am all about me baby! I grew up in the country. When I was a teenager I swore all I saw was emptiness. Now I live in a major city, if have to etch out my little patches of emptiness. In practice they get easier to find. Mediation and prayer, a quiet corner in the park, even resting your eyes on the train. All these are little ways to add emptiness to your life. Even putting away the washing up, an empty drainer can be a peaceful moment if you allow it.
Lastly, I wanted to share with you this link, I received it by Twitter on Christmas day. It has stuck with me ever since. First ,because I have never been to London, and pictures of the streets empty captivated me. Second because NYC is never, ever empty. Even Hurricane Irene found Starbucks full of patrons. There is a link to the artists Flicker page as well, go look...see.
http://www.ianvisits.co.uk/blog/2011/12/25/photos-of-an-empty-london-on-christmas-morning/
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Welcome ( i think)
Let me begin by unloading, I mean "sharing" a few necessary details you may need to know as this little blog monster grows. I can't help but feel that I should insert a bit of a disclaimer here but lets for a moment assume that your a grown up and your panties on on correctly ( we will wait while you check) and that like all things life is at some risk shall we?
No one is happier to see 2012 than me. 11 was my hardest year to date. Honestly, I don't know anyone who actually "enjoyed" last year (insert blame of the economy or teenagers) but 2011 will forever be referred to by me as my lost year. By the end of January my mother was in hospice, February found me unemployed. You see how this is going. By June I could be found staring at the sunlight through the trees of my bedroom window. It took the rest of the year to get upright and pointed in the right direction. This wasn't done without medication, considerable work, patience and a lot of love from people who care about me. All of this which is still going on. (Cue Aaron Copeland music)
So, why am Ibanking so much, so excited about 2012? First, this year I turn 44. Somewhere I have planted a seed in my head that this year is going to be a big for me. I have never given much consideration to numbers before but I know when I know that I know. You get it? Part of this thought might be that I have finally hit that point women never admit to but we all know its there. It's like a Towanda moment. Stay with me those to young to remember. I think we all wake up one day and decide that we have walked on this earth to long to now not to start thinking of ourselves first. So we don't want to be "nice" or patient or fill in the blank to whatever is on your plate. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it happens to men as well. And those of us who don't at least acknowledge it privately are all most certain to drink to much or buy a sports car. Pardon the cliche. This year I will start letting my little t out.
For those of you still with me. A bit of a resolution. Less of a resolution and more of a manifesto. As the Bloggess says " depression is a lying bastard." I would like to add to that. If "depression is a lying bastard" than "anxiety is his bitchy mum." Anxiety poops out fear and fear keep you from life. More on that later. So for today and everyday- I am going outside. Not the kid of going outside like going to the market or walking the dog but actually going outside and looking up.
Here's to a new year, and things looking up and what we'll find.
No one is happier to see 2012 than me. 11 was my hardest year to date. Honestly, I don't know anyone who actually "enjoyed" last year (insert blame of the economy or teenagers) but 2011 will forever be referred to by me as my lost year. By the end of January my mother was in hospice, February found me unemployed. You see how this is going. By June I could be found staring at the sunlight through the trees of my bedroom window. It took the rest of the year to get upright and pointed in the right direction. This wasn't done without medication, considerable work, patience and a lot of love from people who care about me. All of this which is still going on. (Cue Aaron Copeland music)
So, why am I
For those of you still with me. A bit of a resolution. Less of a resolution and more of a manifesto. As the Bloggess says " depression is a lying bastard." I would like to add to that. If "depression is a lying bastard" than "anxiety is his bitchy mum." Anxiety poops out fear and fear keep you from life. More on that later. So for today and everyday- I am going outside. Not the kid of going outside like going to the market or walking the dog but actually going outside and looking up.
Here's to a new year, and things looking up and what we'll find.
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